I saw some paintings yesterday by a woman on etsy. I don’t know the artist, or anything about her, but the images struck me as exemplifying creative freedom. and it struck me in a sharpish way, enough so I felt as though I don’t have that sort of freedom.
and I know why I don’t feel like I have it. whether or not my perception is accurate (which no doubt it’s inaccurate, since most perceptions of this kind are. I mean, I spent the first half of my twenties thinking I couldn’t have creative freedom because I wasn’t thin enough- and of course, over time, I’ve come to see that as wildly untrue.)
So now I think I’m lacking in creative freedom, or seeking greater freedom, because of a structural life situation, one I still feel cowardly about dealing with.
using the prior logic- that it’s not actually the situation, just some internal subconscious motor that’s always running in reverse- what can I do?
I had a dream last night that a very well known technical inventor (who I have met in real life) was asking me to co-design this website business which would allow people to answer any and all questions using an algorithmic approach. I’d be working with the scientist who really knew the algorithm. In the dream, I was conflicted, because I knew I didn’t care about doing this kind of work, but it might be lucrative. however, it would distract me from what I did care about.
do I have to break something to change things? can I carefully move into a new way of being?
[edit: I wrote this post a couple weeks ago, shortly after waking up. by the time I pressed publish, today, I’d forgotten about this dream. how interesting to reread it.]