been thinking lots about friendships and other types of relationships lately.

it’s clear in any relationship there is a give and take-  and it’s really an energetic thing.

You can imagine it concretely in terms of money.  Perhaps there’s a friendship where two people hang out frequently, and one person always pays.  All other things being equal.  The friend who’s always paying, even when it’s done with absolutely no expectation of anything in return, will start to feel the energetic drain.  And the one who never pays-  they’ll feel the energetic debt.

This energetic imbalance isn’t actually about the money.  It could be in the form of favors,  never being on time, imbalanced sex, always being in crisis, etc.  relationships that have imbalances in one area and otherwise work- they work because of a balancing out elsewhere.

And actually, generosity-  on the part of the giver-  really doesn’t matter.  The imbalance is there, both people can feel it, and someone is not going to be able to take it.  Nobody likes to feel emotionally drained, nobody likes to feel energetic debt.

I rarely ask people for favors.  I’ll only ask for something-  and it’s usually just a shoulder to cry on, nothing in the practical sense-  from people I’m very, very close to.  I’m averse to asking for or taking favors because the energetic sense of debt weighs so heavily for me. This goes for being on the debtor side of any emotional transaction, actually. And the only people I’ll get into that position with I trust deeply.

I know, because I see it all around me, most people don’t even FEEL the energetic debts they have accumulated.

and this ties into self-awareness, self-honesty.  True, deep friendships don’t happen when there is a glossing over of feelings; a subtle manipulation/ ignoring of truths in order to try to make things prettier. My deepest, realest relationships aren’t pretty-  but they are real.

I spent this afternoon talking with someone a decade younger than me about relationships.  (I’m using the term in the non-romantic sense-  because we all have dozens of relationships.  Some are deep and real, some are superficial, most are in-between.)  We were talking about how hard it is to lose friends, and about how, while it doesn’t get easier, it does get quicker.  We get better at ascertaining depth, level of feeling, mutuality, and honesty in our relationships, and hopefully, ultimately, can make better choices about what’s real and what’s not.

pretty isn’t real.  usually.

Posted by:Brook DeLorme

2 replies on “energetic debts

  1. Honestly, it’s hard to wrap my mind around this. Men usually have fewer friends and they don’t think about the status of the relationship as much. Let’s face it, men don’t think about ANYTHING as much as most women. And we don’t talk about it. We just grunt.

    “Dude, how’s work?”


    “Totally know what you mean”.

    1. hi John…ha, funny, but I don’t really agree. My closest friend is a guy- and he’s far, far more energetically sensitive than I am…I don’t personally see this particular issue as splitting neatly on the masculine/feminine lines. though who knows, statistically it might, and I just don’t know many people!
      thanks for writing :)

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